you can’t be afraid to cry.
i never used to cry. i got really really good at somehow not having real emotions.
i hid them. so far away from the surface. so far away it took months to actually find my real feelings.
people don’t understand that it takes courage, so much courage.
it’s takes bravery. you don’t even know what being brave looks like until you allow yourself to break through.
to be you. to find you. to get to the core. to let God get to your core. see it. it’s ugly, it’s raw, so disorganized. you feel so messy in there. you don’t look it, you don’t want anyone else seeing it.
but when you face it. when you embrace it, open it up, let it out- let Him in- let Him take it-
let Him fix it.
you can’t. you’re clueless, you don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other most days.
i guess everyone gets here at a different point in life. people learn it at different times.
for me- i had to hurt, ah-so much hurt, so much pain, so much crap. i had to go through -still going through- so much. so much more than you ever thought you’d have to go through.
to see it’s not about getting somewhere. it’s so not about getting to some level of _____. whatever it is for you, whatever you try to get to, try to see, try to attain.
that’s just it. you can’t. you can’t keep trying. it doesn’t work. it doesn’t!
my story is different than i can even believe most days.
it’s wet. it’s not done. i’m in the middle. it’s just starting.
you gotta get to a point where you see and realize and embrace the fact that YOU CAN’T GET SOMEWHERE BY YOURSELF.
you can’t attain some perfect level of life.
it’s not gonna happen. God’s gonna break you man. He is. He’s gonna do whatever it takes to get you.
whatever it takes to get you back, to get you for real, to get you for the rest of your life.
it’s not a magical moment. it’s not a AH-HA. i see the light moment.
it’s a slow, awful, beautiful, terrible, painful, confusing, sad, brilliant crawl.
really.
these great things, take time.
don’t be afraid.
don’t be afraid to cry. to feel.
stop trying to keep your mascara intact.
you gotta be wet paint. you gotta be putty. you can’t be hard and put together.
how can God do anything with that?
-p.s. He will. He’ll break you, He doesn’t have another choice. and let me tell you what. IT’S GONNA HURT LIKE HELL.