you can’t be afraid to cry.

 

i never used to cry. i got really really good at somehow not having real emotions. 

i hid them. so far away from the surface. so far away it took months to actually find my real feelings. 

 

people don’t understand that it takes courage, so much courage. 

it’s takes bravery. you don’t even know what being brave looks like until you allow yourself to break through.

to be you. to find you. to get to the core. to let God get to your core. see it. it’s ugly, it’s raw, so disorganized. you feel so messy in there. you don’t look it, you don’t want anyone else seeing it. 

but when you face it. when you embrace it, open it up, let it out- let Him in- let Him take it- 

let Him fix it. 

you can’t. you’re clueless, you don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other most days. 

 

i guess everyone gets here at a different point in life. people learn it at different times. 

for me- i had to hurt, ah-so much hurt, so much pain, so much crap. i had to go through -still going through- so much. so much more than you ever thought you’d have to go through. 

to see it’s not about getting somewhere. it’s so not about getting to some level of _____. whatever it is for you, whatever you try to get to, try to see, try to attain. 

that’s just it. you can’t. you can’t keep trying. it doesn’t work. it doesn’t! 

my story is different than i can even believe most days. 

it’s wet. it’s not done. i’m in the middle. it’s just starting. 

 

you gotta get to a point where you see and realize and embrace the fact that YOU CAN’T GET SOMEWHERE BY YOURSELF. 

you can’t attain some perfect level of life. 

it’s not gonna happen. God’s gonna break you man. He is. He’s gonna do whatever it takes to get you.

whatever it takes to get you back, to get you for real, to get you for the rest of your life. 

it’s not a magical moment. it’s not a AH-HA. i see the light moment. 

 

it’s a slow, awful, beautiful, terrible, painful, confusing, sad, brilliant crawl. 

really. 

these great things, take time.

 

don’t be afraid. 

don’t be afraid to cry. to feel. 

stop trying to keep your mascara intact. 

 

you gotta be wet paint. you gotta be putty. you can’t be hard and put together. 

 

how can God do anything with that? 

 

-p.s.  He will. He’ll break you, He doesn’t have another choice. and let me tell you what. IT’S GONNA HURT LIKE HELL. 

 

when you actually come to know what being real means. 

like when you seriously do. 

it’s like a freedom i can’t express through word text.

and at the same time it’s like a painful freeing. 

 

there’s a big part of me that feels like the past 3 years of my life didn’t happen. 

or if they did happen, they were a really long time ago…they’re a blur. 

how did i get here. how did all that happen, everything that happened, how did that all happen?

did it happen?

 

it’s so hard to actually embrace the reality that your past is real, that is happened, that is is a part of you, that you made those decisions, that you moved there, that you loved that person, that you are no longer there, you are no longer that person. 

 

i hate this cliché phrase. and i hate it even more because it’s true. 

a part of me is dying. 

it’s so true. a big part of me is dying. i sometimes try to not let it die, clinging to it like the sick and twisted addicting and life sucking part of me that it is. 

 

in many ways though, it’s all i know. it’s how i’ve functioned. it’s been what has fed me.

 

this part of me, that part that I’m killing, that i’m suffocating, has fed me consistently for about 8 years. 

 

i use those descriptive words when i talk about this part of me, because that’s real. 

it’s a complicated, intricate, ugly, wonderful part. 

talk about a love/hate relationship. 

 

i’ve never tried to rid myself of it before for a reason. 

 

mainly because it has consumed me and my thinking of life- hence, i obviously am not gonna let that go. 

also, because i haven’t even realized how it has entrapped me. 

 

word picture:

i was living with my boyfriend in nyc. 

i was more in love with him than i can say. we had a beautiful apartment in astoria. a cute little town where we would walk through during the summer and drink margaritas sitting outside a cute cafe. 

i worked nights, so my internal clock was always whacked. i would often be up late at night while he slept. or i would try to sleep and just be up laying there- my mind going. 

i would find myself, usually around 3-4 am being drawn to my knees in tears on the bathroom floor. 

such an awful feeling. i felt like i was dying, or dead, inside. something bad. 

i just wanted to marry the boy. i just wanted to get engaged, plan our wedding, get the title, get that-attain it-live it-be it. because THEN i would be happy. we would be happy. we would be complete. we would be it. 

it’s not that i was a shallow or pathetic as i just made myself sound. i just really always wanted to be his, i felt like for about a year of our relationship i was trying to push him to propose, it’s what i wanted, i didn’t want to move together without being engaged, but yet i still did everything for him, not getting what i wanted.

 

i would love to add right now the fake, “i’m just so glad he didn’t propose, because now i’m married to the most wonderful man i could ever of imagined and blah blah blah. 

but guess what? 

no. i’m single. i live by myself. i’m figuring out some crappy parts of life by myself. i’m learning who the heck God is. listening to a lot of beyonce. eating a lot of ice cream. pushing my butt to go to the gym. and not sleeping a lot. 

 

but. 

im not crying on the bathroom floor. {hiding, scared, feeling trapped}

 

i’m crying everywhere instead. {openly terrified}

 

believe it, there is a difference. 

it’s called being real. 

it’s like when you think you have it all.

you genuinely thought you had reached your top. the epitome of you, your life.

when in all reality, you were the farthest away it that you could possibly be.

you know the truth does hurt.

i hate cliches. but that one works.

like you never knew it could. it does. it’s probably the most painful thing someone can go through.

the truth. like the actual truth. not what you made up in your mind to be true.

it’s all in the way you look at it.

i don’t know how, but somehow, in the end- i am determined that this pain, this struggle, this crap- will make me stronger, better, more capable, more useful, more the kelsey He has in mind.

trust me, sometimes i sit around and cry and think about how much hurt i am feeling. and sometimes that’s all i want to do.

and if i did do that i would be giving in, quitting, letting the devil win.

don’t get me wrong, i have my moments.

usually daily. at some point i’m hit with something that will just bring me to my knees in excruciating pain. or i’ll just start crying and not even realize it.

GET UP. 

you can’t stay down. you can go down. you’re gonna go down. it’s gonna happen. it just is.

if you fight it- you will lose in the end, you gotta let it hurt- you gotta fall- you gotta go through the really crappy parts.

but you don’t have to live there. 

has anyone ever told you that?

DON’T STAY DOWN.

choose something greater.

whatever it is, your health, your marriage, your pet, your church, your friends- you gotta bring it back to reality.

choose strength, because in all honestly- there is no other option. i mean there is, but you don’t want that one (livingdead), speaking from experience here people!

because if we survive living through that unbearable pain, if we make it through the really really really hard, awful, despicable day-after-day of crap piling on crap———–it will get better. it will get easier. we will become stronger. we will be what & who we are meant to be.

isn’t that better?

if i’ve learned anything- I’ve learned…that that is called strength.

you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have.

oh, truth.

my counselor told me the other day that she believes this is most likely be one of the hardest times/things i will go through in life.

truth.

when you learn (the hard way) what it LITERALLY means to forfeit your life for God’s life for you….

usually, on a day to day basis, i think of what has happened in the past few months in my life, and i actually think to myself, “um, i did that? like seriously? i actually did it? you’re kidding?”

honestly, i don’t believe it half the time. yet again, why the truth is so hard, it’s still not sunk in through my thick skin.

i’m working on motivating myself to be the best version of myself. instead of the

inside-dead-pretty-face-addict-people-pleasing-pleasure-chaser-emotional-wall-building-materialisticlly-driven-selfish-shell

that i was living.

 

don’t stay down-get up. 

stop wanting what you don’t have. stop focusing on the things you want later in life.

be where you are. be happy where you are. 

where you are is life. your life. 

live where you are. not where you wish you where or where you want to be. 

cause you’re not there, stop wishing it to be, wishing your now away. 

 

live. now. 

 

stop freaking out about what you want, what you want will come. later, when it’s supposed too. 

be and thrive in the now. cause it is now. 

 

the struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow.

 

 

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